Why Men Take It Further

Girls, you always say it. "Why are men such pigs? All men care about is sex, sex, sex, sex, food, sex, or head." And for the most part (when a man is around a woman), I agree. But there are reasons behind why a man wants sex on the first date, or on the first hookup, or on any hook up. Girls may see it as a problem, but if it doesn't happen, for the man, it WILL be a problem.

Men get Blue Balls. Simple as that. That feeling is so painful, and usually lasts 2-6 hours. It's like having your balls crushed into pieces, and cradled by a sack of needles. It's no fucking fun. That is why the guy always wants you touch his pee-pee hole, rainstick, pogo pajama slim jim... what have you! We don't like Blue Balls!

Girls can get by with a make out session, or dry hump/hookup session, because your ovaries don't tie themselves up and try and make your vagina commit suicide. That's Blue Balls. So women, be more considerate. It's not a straight attitude thing, it is an attitude derived from a painful hardship we try to avoid.

The MILF

This little article is for both males and females. We all know what a MILF is. I need not explain. But there is some areas of this subject that need clarification...so here are some guidelines.

For Men
- If the MILF is one of your friend's moms, do not tell him. This may cause a problem in your goal of achieving the ultimate goal, bedding a MILF. If you successfully bed the MILF, do not tell your friend.

- If you see the MILF in a grocery store, be weary. Usually there are older pervert looking grocery managers with their eyes on said MILF. They will quickly plant something on you and accuse you of stealing if you pose a threat to their lurk. The best time to approach the MILF is when they are heading towards their cars. Offer to help with their groceries. This will give you valuable time and position to check if she is married (check her fingers), how many kids she has (car seats), and financial situation (car).

- If you see a MILF at the bar, play it cool for a little while, even if she is eye fucking the living shit out of you. You never know if her husband, boyfriend, or other boy toy is in the same bar. Scope out your surroundings and keep a look out for anyone eyeing down your target.
     -- Do NOT buy her a drink. If you do, she will automatically know you are over 21. You do not want her            to know your age until you figure out what age she is into.

- The only time it is acceptable to brag about the successful bedding of a MILF is with your closest friends, and people that do not know the MILF. By telling anyone that may have any type of relationship with the MILF, you are jeopardizing the beautiful scenario God has bestowed upon you.

For Women


- Be cool. Bedding with a MILF is on 99% of men's bucket lists. It is not out of the ordinary for a man to make a MILF comment towards a MILF. I mean they're MILFs!


- Be even more cool. If you have a boyfriend, and he makes a remark that your mom is a MILF, be happy! Chances are that you in turn will end up a MILF, seeing as your mother is one! It is also a compliment from a young man to remark on your mother's beauty. Be happy for her!


- If your boyfriend shares a bed with your mother, you have two options. You can either break up with him, or congratulate him on his beautiful win into your mother's legs. I would advise taking the second option. It's not that he likes your mom over you, it's just test driving your futuristic self out!

The Break Up

Jesus, fucking CHRIST!

Here is the thing ladies and gentlemen, once it's done... it, is, fucking, done. There is always that one controlling obsessed motherfucker in the relationship, and it's usually the person that did the break up in the first place! You have absolutely no right to get offended, or upset, over your ex's behavior. 

You and your 'Beloved Other', are diddly fucking squat. It is in the past, just like the extermination of 3 million Jews, OJ's case files, and Martha Stewart's vagina. Your attitude probably stinks more than her twat, honestly.

If your ex is dancing on another member of the opposite sex, WHO GIVES A FUCK. You can go dance with someone else too! You can do WHATEVER the FUCK you WANT. And to make matters worse, GUYS, you end up wanting to fight the dude dancing on your ex. HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE! Grow up brah. And ladies, SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares that your ex is dancing with another girl at the same college club, it's fucking life. Even your BESTEST BEST BEST EVER friend doesn't care to hear it overrrrr and over again...

Now get over it, and stay over it. 

The #1 Bitch

Every group of girls that goes out and parties has 3 types of girls...

1. The Groupies - the groupies are the girls that are used as a sort of filler for the group. They are mildly attractive but don't have the most outgoing personality. There is a reason for this.

2. The DUFF - DUFF stands for 'Designated Ugly Fat Friend' and each group of girls has at least ONE. Some groups bring in a few more to make the Groupies seem more attractive to the males. 

3. The #1 Bitch - this is the hottest girl of the group, and is 100% their leader. The groupies and DUFFs will do anything, even KILL for their leader. It's as if the #1 is Hitler, and you know the rest...

The 'Hot Bitch' System

There is a method to the makeup of each group of girls, they are extremely smart at getting what they want, especially in a divorce... But here it is, down to the basic principles.

- The #1 Bitch is the leader, and will sometimes do work for her friends, but she wants the attention of MOST men and the most attractive man in the club. She will reel her prey in with her swinging hips and eyes, and usually that is it... she will never directly approach her target

- The #1 Bitch, or the second most attractive girl (a Groupie) will come up to you and try and hook you up with one of the DUFFs

- The Groupies also rely on the #1 Bitch to find the prey, and then they pick from the friends

The system goes more in depth but those are the essentials, now here is how YOU get the #1..

DON'T SHOW HER ATTENTION!

- When you have picked the #1 out of the group, find the #2. Go up to the Groupie and hit on her and try and sleep with her that night. What does this do for you since you want #1?

     

a) By completely ignoring the #1, she will focus even more on you, and wonder why you aren't trying to              get with her

b) By actually sleeping with the #2, (which would be easier than a straight denial from the #1), you will drive the #1 even more out her comfort zone and she will gradually turn into a monster and fiend for you. The #1 can NOT go without attention and she will not be able to get you off of her mind.

Remember, you MUST ignore the #1 with polite, yet blunt answers. A little attention won't hurt, but too much and she will easily lose interest. Girls can tell what you think about them through your eyes so you must be Lafy GaGa with your Poker Face..

Good luck homies!

Drunk Girls

There is nothing more unattractive to a male, unless your like a Stage 5 Rapist or some shit, than the, 'stumbling drunk girl'. Now we have all seen these women that do not know how to handle their alcohol. They literally STUMBLE on any guy they can, which is a huge accomplishment since they usually wear high heels. They try to dance and look almost exactly like a retard in a pool, doing squats. They will get up in your face and almost makeout with you while trying to tell you something about their stupid blind cat or some shit like that. They will talk, or stammer, about their stupid nieces and nephews and how cute of a baby the little bastard is. "And my sister was 17 when she had it!" Seriously, we don't give a FUCK. You are even past the point of us wanting you to slob on the knob. When I wake up, I like when my penis doesn't smell like Pink Lemonade Smirnoff

Guys, there are some simple steps to losing this girl;

- Walk away (They are stumbling, its hard for them to follow)
- Walk a little faster (Sometimes you may encounter what I call the, 'drunk track star stumbler'. It's like when their drunk, they don't give a shit who they run over or through. They will hurtle over dancing legs and sometimes climb on the walls)
*Warning* If you encounter the 'spider woman drunk (the one that actually does climb on walls and ceilings because she has to tell you about her mother who just never lets her do anything) There is only one hope. Get a gun, and shoot yourself. You are royally fucked.

More Aggressive Tactics
- Mace. Really.
- Try and bump someone into her. Do not actually push her yourself, that's just asking for trouble. She'll pull out a rape whistle and next thing you know your missing 4 front teeth and half your ear. Ya, Mike Tyson is roaming bouncer..
- Get in a group of friends, and create the 'Cold Shoulder' circle. This tactic usually works. Just group up shoulder to shoulder and ignore her.
- Find a black guy. Girls will totally change their target when they see a black dude. They LOVE black guys, almost as much as gay guys. They can be an African American, but to a drunk bitch? They are FROM Africa!


Learn to handle yourself Stumbling Drunk Bitch!!

The Thing About Sex

Now, men and women obviously view sex in different lights. It's much more complex with the female. For the men, sex is simply, sex. That's it. They get off, and the game is over. A women also wants to feel good down there, but the thing is, a lot of men don't have stamina nor care. Sorry ladies.

Sex is too complicated for men so we keep it simple. The game ends when we end. "I'll be back," nope. Fuck you Arnold. Ain't no Terminator shit here. It's over. But why are things so complicated for a man?

Problems
- Small Penis disorder
- Low staminaplatitus
- The 'Don't Care for Long Stays' syndrome
- We have fucking work in the morning

All these problems make us seem, like a dick basically, when it comes to sex. We want it over and done with...

Now ladies. You guys absolutely suck. I can't even fit all of your problems with sex on this mother fucker. But here are the most common ones.

- Period. This has to be the WORST and most annoying problem to ever be encountered on the face of this god forsaken planet. Once a month you completely bitch us out while bleeding, and act like its OUR fucking fault

- Cuddling. What the fuck? Who the Hell had the great idea of cradling each other after having sex? Fuck that

- 'I'm Tired'. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. We work our balls off and on the drive home, we get them back and want to put them into use. Suck it up. <-- See what I did there ;)

- The simple 'Not Now' problem. Not now?! Then WHEN the Hell are you going to sit on the dick! If it comes to the 'not now' excuse, the man obviously had to ask... and that is no fucking bueno. Absolutely no fucking bueno...

So how do we fix these problems? Simple

1. Cut cuddling out of the equation
2. Commence intercourse promptly when being ASKED!
3. Guys, you gotta do something to get the girl feeling good and satisfied... sorry
4. NO FUCKING CUDDLING

He Said

Girls. We know males and females have HUGE communication errors, which usually turn into nasty remarks about your royal sluttiness. Then you call us assholes, small weiners, and other such things. These scenarios are no bueno. Funny to the rest of the world, but terrible in yours. Here's how we fix this.

DON'T BE FUCKING STUPID. Most the shit we say is exactly what we mean. Very few guys play mind games like a female, unless they are gay. Which makes sense.

Examples of times you shouldn't say ANYTHING
- I don't feel like talking to you right now
- I don't want to talk to you right now
- I can't deal with talking to you right now
- Please, shut up
- Please, shut the FUCK up
- SHUT THE FUCK UP
- I got raped by a gang of Elton John lookalikes

Instead of egging it on, just let it die and come back after he watches some porn or something

Examples of times you should say something SMALL
- Today was terrible
- What's up?
- Do you want to do something tonight?

Another thing. Compliments are meant to be taken with a small remark. Just because you receive a compliment, doesn't mean you should open the flood gates of Hell upon us. Explaining, "Oh you really think so?! I think my cat loved my dress too! She wouldn't stop purring. It was so adorable. Do you like cats? I loveeee love LOVE mine!"

Now keep this in mind and you will have no problem snatching males like a pedophile in a McDonald's playground ball pit.