Not Even a Month?!

Well, I'm no therapist, or Oprah. I don't have my own TV show where I talk shit to kids, (fuck you Dr. Phil). I don't even have solid proof that this theory is right. But hey, I'm fucking awesome, for a month at least.

Girls. Listen up. Why do your relationships suck after a month? This is the reason the guy you are talking to seems to 'change' in a very short period of time.

1. Relationships are a game.
-With a lot of guys, once the chase of sexual or emotional acceptance is reached, the fire is lost. Don't bitch. It's life.

2. We trick ourselves!
-Guys are fucking retarded when it comes to actually treating a woman right. If you want to be properly handled, go fuck a UPS guy or turn lesbian.
-We end up tricking ourselves into thinking we are different from everyone else and act the part. But that's all we are really doing, acting. It gets boring.

3. You just aren't what we thought you were
-This goes back into the self mental trickery we induce upon our own brains. Shit changes. Thus is life. You can't get upset. Because in all honesty, 20% of the guys on this planet actually feel bad and realized they just weren't that into you.

The Warning Signs


Now there are a lot of guys that realize a lot of chicks dig them, but they know the one month rule. Not in all cases is this true! But I think a lot of the time it is.

Here are some signs
-Seriously, I'm not that cool of a guy
-I rape and pillage in the summer
-I watch a lot of porn
-I don't know why you like me, you are absolutely fucking wacko

Now these may seem like cries of attention coming from a male, but they are warning signs... you must take them for what they are.

Now wipe the tears out of your eyes and fuck something! Remember, change it up every month or so.

A Girl President

Here are some thought's I think the congressmen might have...

"Did she agree with that bill to sleep with me?"

"Should I say 'Put your John Hancock on this?', or "Put your hand on my cock".

"I wonder if she recites speeches during sex"

"Should I hit on her to get this bill passed?"

"Would I even be able to hit on her? Or would Secret Service take me out faster than I can pull my pants down"

Secret Service thoughts...

"Can we put a camera in the bathroom? She wouldn't know"

"Gah, I didn't have to deal with PMS with George Bush..."

"I'm seriously taking orders from a girl?!"

"You want some Vagasil for that plane ride?"

"I could totally rape her right now and get away with it..."

Hostile countries...

"We win!"

America...

"We are so...fucked."

'"I Have a Boyfriend"

How many times do you think a guy has heard this, right after beginning a conversation with a girl? I'll bet between... 100 and 100 billion times per life. We honestly do not care if you have a boyfriend, we are still going to hit on you. Because we take that comment a little different than someone actually saying it. These are the explanations/reasons I have come to piece together in the insanely difficult puzzle we call the woman's mind.

Reason 1 - You aren't drunk enough to cheat on your boyfriend

Reason 2 - You think we are unattractive (get some more booze honey and I'll turn in to Ashton Kutcher)

Reason 3 - You're PMS'ing

Reason 4 - You want us to work a little harder (buy you booze)


Notice how none of them actually link to the original statement. Even if you actually do have a boyfriend, where is he? Obviously not out with you, so why are you there? Girls night? Ha! Girls night is eating buckets of ice cream and watching the Notebook. No, there is a reason you are out and partying it up WITHOUT your boyfriend ;)

And for the girls that say it without actually having a boyfriend, watch out. We are picking up on your tricks ;)

Changes

There are some things in life we just can not change. We can change our hair style, the length, and even the color. We can put in colored contacts to change our eye color. But the one thing we can not change? Height and growth. I stand at almost 6 foot so I don't have to worry about getting called out on my height. But you know when you see that tall ass mother fucker you just want to scream out, "HEY HOWS THE WEATHER UP THERE?". Or when you see a super small person, "Dude, the set for Wizard of Oz's munchkinland is thattttt a way". These comments, at least for me, are EXTREMELY hard to suppress. And it sucks. That person can't change their height. It's not like they have small boobs and for $5,000 get some big ones. There is no surgery to cure the problem of height.

Now it is easily compensated for most people.. tall girls have gorgeous legs, and short girls just have an added sexiness surrounding them. Tall guys usually get a ton of pussy because, well, you know. They seem to have big dicks. But there is one group of people that just completely screwed by genetics...

That is short males. In the terrible case of being a small dude, you are, 100% of the time, going to be labeled as having a small penis by woman. They don't want a guy shorter than them, alongside of him not being able to sexually satisfy. They are also plagued with an asshole attitude, and I mean, I feel for them but they don't have to be assholes. 'Short' tempers, (ooh nice pun Hall), short everything. Life sucks being a short male. Up yours Danny De Vito

All Girls are Lesbians

Well, now that I put it out there, I'm convinced every single girl on this planet would hook up or fall in love with another girl. My evidence? None. Just mere thought. Girls are such beautiful and exquisite creatures that I find it entirely impossible for them not be attracted to each other in some way. Now all guys being attracted to each other? Hell no. We are ugly brutes with our brains hardwired to getting laid. We don't really care about emotions, just our penis. Girls care for more than that, so it only makes sense they find safety in each other, and that leading to intimacy. Girls are perfect for guys, but are even better in my opinion, for girls ;)

Wendy's (4/4/2011)

Now, let me start off with this. Today sucked. Everyone and their stupid little dog, plus it's fleas, wanted some Wendy's. Humongous orders all day and what was even worse was I wan on front cash. I hadn't showered that day at all. I figured I would just be on back cash and just take some orders. But no, I got stuck having to look stupidity in the face and take its order. Working 4pm to 11pm is terrible.

Then midway through the shift, my boy thinks it would be a great time to smoke some Mr. Nice Guy. Now I'm high as all Hell, hadn't smoked in a long time, dealing with all these stupid customers.

I don't know how many times I have to say this and mean this, but the Wendy's in Madisonville has roaches. And I don't wash my hands... don't come in!