Why Men Take It Further

Girls, you always say it. "Why are men such pigs? All men care about is sex, sex, sex, sex, food, sex, or head." And for the most part (when a man is around a woman), I agree. But there are reasons behind why a man wants sex on the first date, or on the first hookup, or on any hook up. Girls may see it as a problem, but if it doesn't happen, for the man, it WILL be a problem.

Men get Blue Balls. Simple as that. That feeling is so painful, and usually lasts 2-6 hours. It's like having your balls crushed into pieces, and cradled by a sack of needles. It's no fucking fun. That is why the guy always wants you touch his pee-pee hole, rainstick, pogo pajama slim jim... what have you! We don't like Blue Balls!

Girls can get by with a make out session, or dry hump/hookup session, because your ovaries don't tie themselves up and try and make your vagina commit suicide. That's Blue Balls. So women, be more considerate. It's not a straight attitude thing, it is an attitude derived from a painful hardship we try to avoid.

The MILF

This little article is for both males and females. We all know what a MILF is. I need not explain. But there is some areas of this subject that need clarification...so here are some guidelines.

For Men
- If the MILF is one of your friend's moms, do not tell him. This may cause a problem in your goal of achieving the ultimate goal, bedding a MILF. If you successfully bed the MILF, do not tell your friend.

- If you see the MILF in a grocery store, be weary. Usually there are older pervert looking grocery managers with their eyes on said MILF. They will quickly plant something on you and accuse you of stealing if you pose a threat to their lurk. The best time to approach the MILF is when they are heading towards their cars. Offer to help with their groceries. This will give you valuable time and position to check if she is married (check her fingers), how many kids she has (car seats), and financial situation (car).

- If you see a MILF at the bar, play it cool for a little while, even if she is eye fucking the living shit out of you. You never know if her husband, boyfriend, or other boy toy is in the same bar. Scope out your surroundings and keep a look out for anyone eyeing down your target.
     -- Do NOT buy her a drink. If you do, she will automatically know you are over 21. You do not want her            to know your age until you figure out what age she is into.

- The only time it is acceptable to brag about the successful bedding of a MILF is with your closest friends, and people that do not know the MILF. By telling anyone that may have any type of relationship with the MILF, you are jeopardizing the beautiful scenario God has bestowed upon you.

For Women


- Be cool. Bedding with a MILF is on 99% of men's bucket lists. It is not out of the ordinary for a man to make a MILF comment towards a MILF. I mean they're MILFs!


- Be even more cool. If you have a boyfriend, and he makes a remark that your mom is a MILF, be happy! Chances are that you in turn will end up a MILF, seeing as your mother is one! It is also a compliment from a young man to remark on your mother's beauty. Be happy for her!


- If your boyfriend shares a bed with your mother, you have two options. You can either break up with him, or congratulate him on his beautiful win into your mother's legs. I would advise taking the second option. It's not that he likes your mom over you, it's just test driving your futuristic self out!

The Break Up

Jesus, fucking CHRIST!

Here is the thing ladies and gentlemen, once it's done... it, is, fucking, done. There is always that one controlling obsessed motherfucker in the relationship, and it's usually the person that did the break up in the first place! You have absolutely no right to get offended, or upset, over your ex's behavior. 

You and your 'Beloved Other', are diddly fucking squat. It is in the past, just like the extermination of 3 million Jews, OJ's case files, and Martha Stewart's vagina. Your attitude probably stinks more than her twat, honestly.

If your ex is dancing on another member of the opposite sex, WHO GIVES A FUCK. You can go dance with someone else too! You can do WHATEVER the FUCK you WANT. And to make matters worse, GUYS, you end up wanting to fight the dude dancing on your ex. HE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE! Grow up brah. And ladies, SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares that your ex is dancing with another girl at the same college club, it's fucking life. Even your BESTEST BEST BEST EVER friend doesn't care to hear it overrrrr and over again...

Now get over it, and stay over it. 

The #1 Bitch

Every group of girls that goes out and parties has 3 types of girls...

1. The Groupies - the groupies are the girls that are used as a sort of filler for the group. They are mildly attractive but don't have the most outgoing personality. There is a reason for this.

2. The DUFF - DUFF stands for 'Designated Ugly Fat Friend' and each group of girls has at least ONE. Some groups bring in a few more to make the Groupies seem more attractive to the males. 

3. The #1 Bitch - this is the hottest girl of the group, and is 100% their leader. The groupies and DUFFs will do anything, even KILL for their leader. It's as if the #1 is Hitler, and you know the rest...

The 'Hot Bitch' System

There is a method to the makeup of each group of girls, they are extremely smart at getting what they want, especially in a divorce... But here it is, down to the basic principles.

- The #1 Bitch is the leader, and will sometimes do work for her friends, but she wants the attention of MOST men and the most attractive man in the club. She will reel her prey in with her swinging hips and eyes, and usually that is it... she will never directly approach her target

- The #1 Bitch, or the second most attractive girl (a Groupie) will come up to you and try and hook you up with one of the DUFFs

- The Groupies also rely on the #1 Bitch to find the prey, and then they pick from the friends

The system goes more in depth but those are the essentials, now here is how YOU get the #1..

DON'T SHOW HER ATTENTION!

- When you have picked the #1 out of the group, find the #2. Go up to the Groupie and hit on her and try and sleep with her that night. What does this do for you since you want #1?

     

a) By completely ignoring the #1, she will focus even more on you, and wonder why you aren't trying to              get with her

b) By actually sleeping with the #2, (which would be easier than a straight denial from the #1), you will drive the #1 even more out her comfort zone and she will gradually turn into a monster and fiend for you. The #1 can NOT go without attention and she will not be able to get you off of her mind.

Remember, you MUST ignore the #1 with polite, yet blunt answers. A little attention won't hurt, but too much and she will easily lose interest. Girls can tell what you think about them through your eyes so you must be Lafy GaGa with your Poker Face..

Good luck homies!

Drunk Girls

There is nothing more unattractive to a male, unless your like a Stage 5 Rapist or some shit, than the, 'stumbling drunk girl'. Now we have all seen these women that do not know how to handle their alcohol. They literally STUMBLE on any guy they can, which is a huge accomplishment since they usually wear high heels. They try to dance and look almost exactly like a retard in a pool, doing squats. They will get up in your face and almost makeout with you while trying to tell you something about their stupid blind cat or some shit like that. They will talk, or stammer, about their stupid nieces and nephews and how cute of a baby the little bastard is. "And my sister was 17 when she had it!" Seriously, we don't give a FUCK. You are even past the point of us wanting you to slob on the knob. When I wake up, I like when my penis doesn't smell like Pink Lemonade Smirnoff

Guys, there are some simple steps to losing this girl;

- Walk away (They are stumbling, its hard for them to follow)
- Walk a little faster (Sometimes you may encounter what I call the, 'drunk track star stumbler'. It's like when their drunk, they don't give a shit who they run over or through. They will hurtle over dancing legs and sometimes climb on the walls)
*Warning* If you encounter the 'spider woman drunk (the one that actually does climb on walls and ceilings because she has to tell you about her mother who just never lets her do anything) There is only one hope. Get a gun, and shoot yourself. You are royally fucked.

More Aggressive Tactics
- Mace. Really.
- Try and bump someone into her. Do not actually push her yourself, that's just asking for trouble. She'll pull out a rape whistle and next thing you know your missing 4 front teeth and half your ear. Ya, Mike Tyson is roaming bouncer..
- Get in a group of friends, and create the 'Cold Shoulder' circle. This tactic usually works. Just group up shoulder to shoulder and ignore her.
- Find a black guy. Girls will totally change their target when they see a black dude. They LOVE black guys, almost as much as gay guys. They can be an African American, but to a drunk bitch? They are FROM Africa!


Learn to handle yourself Stumbling Drunk Bitch!!

The Thing About Sex

Now, men and women obviously view sex in different lights. It's much more complex with the female. For the men, sex is simply, sex. That's it. They get off, and the game is over. A women also wants to feel good down there, but the thing is, a lot of men don't have stamina nor care. Sorry ladies.

Sex is too complicated for men so we keep it simple. The game ends when we end. "I'll be back," nope. Fuck you Arnold. Ain't no Terminator shit here. It's over. But why are things so complicated for a man?

Problems
- Small Penis disorder
- Low staminaplatitus
- The 'Don't Care for Long Stays' syndrome
- We have fucking work in the morning

All these problems make us seem, like a dick basically, when it comes to sex. We want it over and done with...

Now ladies. You guys absolutely suck. I can't even fit all of your problems with sex on this mother fucker. But here are the most common ones.

- Period. This has to be the WORST and most annoying problem to ever be encountered on the face of this god forsaken planet. Once a month you completely bitch us out while bleeding, and act like its OUR fucking fault

- Cuddling. What the fuck? Who the Hell had the great idea of cradling each other after having sex? Fuck that

- 'I'm Tired'. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. We work our balls off and on the drive home, we get them back and want to put them into use. Suck it up. <-- See what I did there ;)

- The simple 'Not Now' problem. Not now?! Then WHEN the Hell are you going to sit on the dick! If it comes to the 'not now' excuse, the man obviously had to ask... and that is no fucking bueno. Absolutely no fucking bueno...

So how do we fix these problems? Simple

1. Cut cuddling out of the equation
2. Commence intercourse promptly when being ASKED!
3. Guys, you gotta do something to get the girl feeling good and satisfied... sorry
4. NO FUCKING CUDDLING

He Said

Girls. We know males and females have HUGE communication errors, which usually turn into nasty remarks about your royal sluttiness. Then you call us assholes, small weiners, and other such things. These scenarios are no bueno. Funny to the rest of the world, but terrible in yours. Here's how we fix this.

DON'T BE FUCKING STUPID. Most the shit we say is exactly what we mean. Very few guys play mind games like a female, unless they are gay. Which makes sense.

Examples of times you shouldn't say ANYTHING
- I don't feel like talking to you right now
- I don't want to talk to you right now
- I can't deal with talking to you right now
- Please, shut up
- Please, shut the FUCK up
- SHUT THE FUCK UP
- I got raped by a gang of Elton John lookalikes

Instead of egging it on, just let it die and come back after he watches some porn or something

Examples of times you should say something SMALL
- Today was terrible
- What's up?
- Do you want to do something tonight?

Another thing. Compliments are meant to be taken with a small remark. Just because you receive a compliment, doesn't mean you should open the flood gates of Hell upon us. Explaining, "Oh you really think so?! I think my cat loved my dress too! She wouldn't stop purring. It was so adorable. Do you like cats? I loveeee love LOVE mine!"

Now keep this in mind and you will have no problem snatching males like a pedophile in a McDonald's playground ball pit.

Not Even a Month?!

Well, I'm no therapist, or Oprah. I don't have my own TV show where I talk shit to kids, (fuck you Dr. Phil). I don't even have solid proof that this theory is right. But hey, I'm fucking awesome, for a month at least.

Girls. Listen up. Why do your relationships suck after a month? This is the reason the guy you are talking to seems to 'change' in a very short period of time.

1. Relationships are a game.
-With a lot of guys, once the chase of sexual or emotional acceptance is reached, the fire is lost. Don't bitch. It's life.

2. We trick ourselves!
-Guys are fucking retarded when it comes to actually treating a woman right. If you want to be properly handled, go fuck a UPS guy or turn lesbian.
-We end up tricking ourselves into thinking we are different from everyone else and act the part. But that's all we are really doing, acting. It gets boring.

3. You just aren't what we thought you were
-This goes back into the self mental trickery we induce upon our own brains. Shit changes. Thus is life. You can't get upset. Because in all honesty, 20% of the guys on this planet actually feel bad and realized they just weren't that into you.

The Warning Signs


Now there are a lot of guys that realize a lot of chicks dig them, but they know the one month rule. Not in all cases is this true! But I think a lot of the time it is.

Here are some signs
-Seriously, I'm not that cool of a guy
-I rape and pillage in the summer
-I watch a lot of porn
-I don't know why you like me, you are absolutely fucking wacko

Now these may seem like cries of attention coming from a male, but they are warning signs... you must take them for what they are.

Now wipe the tears out of your eyes and fuck something! Remember, change it up every month or so.

A Girl President

Here are some thought's I think the congressmen might have...

"Did she agree with that bill to sleep with me?"

"Should I say 'Put your John Hancock on this?', or "Put your hand on my cock".

"I wonder if she recites speeches during sex"

"Should I hit on her to get this bill passed?"

"Would I even be able to hit on her? Or would Secret Service take me out faster than I can pull my pants down"

Secret Service thoughts...

"Can we put a camera in the bathroom? She wouldn't know"

"Gah, I didn't have to deal with PMS with George Bush..."

"I'm seriously taking orders from a girl?!"

"You want some Vagasil for that plane ride?"

"I could totally rape her right now and get away with it..."

Hostile countries...

"We win!"

America...

"We are so...fucked."

'"I Have a Boyfriend"

How many times do you think a guy has heard this, right after beginning a conversation with a girl? I'll bet between... 100 and 100 billion times per life. We honestly do not care if you have a boyfriend, we are still going to hit on you. Because we take that comment a little different than someone actually saying it. These are the explanations/reasons I have come to piece together in the insanely difficult puzzle we call the woman's mind.

Reason 1 - You aren't drunk enough to cheat on your boyfriend

Reason 2 - You think we are unattractive (get some more booze honey and I'll turn in to Ashton Kutcher)

Reason 3 - You're PMS'ing

Reason 4 - You want us to work a little harder (buy you booze)


Notice how none of them actually link to the original statement. Even if you actually do have a boyfriend, where is he? Obviously not out with you, so why are you there? Girls night? Ha! Girls night is eating buckets of ice cream and watching the Notebook. No, there is a reason you are out and partying it up WITHOUT your boyfriend ;)

And for the girls that say it without actually having a boyfriend, watch out. We are picking up on your tricks ;)

Changes

There are some things in life we just can not change. We can change our hair style, the length, and even the color. We can put in colored contacts to change our eye color. But the one thing we can not change? Height and growth. I stand at almost 6 foot so I don't have to worry about getting called out on my height. But you know when you see that tall ass mother fucker you just want to scream out, "HEY HOWS THE WEATHER UP THERE?". Or when you see a super small person, "Dude, the set for Wizard of Oz's munchkinland is thattttt a way". These comments, at least for me, are EXTREMELY hard to suppress. And it sucks. That person can't change their height. It's not like they have small boobs and for $5,000 get some big ones. There is no surgery to cure the problem of height.

Now it is easily compensated for most people.. tall girls have gorgeous legs, and short girls just have an added sexiness surrounding them. Tall guys usually get a ton of pussy because, well, you know. They seem to have big dicks. But there is one group of people that just completely screwed by genetics...

That is short males. In the terrible case of being a small dude, you are, 100% of the time, going to be labeled as having a small penis by woman. They don't want a guy shorter than them, alongside of him not being able to sexually satisfy. They are also plagued with an asshole attitude, and I mean, I feel for them but they don't have to be assholes. 'Short' tempers, (ooh nice pun Hall), short everything. Life sucks being a short male. Up yours Danny De Vito

All Girls are Lesbians

Well, now that I put it out there, I'm convinced every single girl on this planet would hook up or fall in love with another girl. My evidence? None. Just mere thought. Girls are such beautiful and exquisite creatures that I find it entirely impossible for them not be attracted to each other in some way. Now all guys being attracted to each other? Hell no. We are ugly brutes with our brains hardwired to getting laid. We don't really care about emotions, just our penis. Girls care for more than that, so it only makes sense they find safety in each other, and that leading to intimacy. Girls are perfect for guys, but are even better in my opinion, for girls ;)

Wendy's (4/4/2011)

Now, let me start off with this. Today sucked. Everyone and their stupid little dog, plus it's fleas, wanted some Wendy's. Humongous orders all day and what was even worse was I wan on front cash. I hadn't showered that day at all. I figured I would just be on back cash and just take some orders. But no, I got stuck having to look stupidity in the face and take its order. Working 4pm to 11pm is terrible.

Then midway through the shift, my boy thinks it would be a great time to smoke some Mr. Nice Guy. Now I'm high as all Hell, hadn't smoked in a long time, dealing with all these stupid customers.

I don't know how many times I have to say this and mean this, but the Wendy's in Madisonville has roaches. And I don't wash my hands... don't come in!